Harry Potter Becomes A Communist
by HardcoreCommie
Summary: Over the summer, Harry read "The Communist Manifesto". Now, he returns to Hogwarts a changed person.
1. The New Harry

I dont own HP. JKR does butt it should be owed by the stat cuz privacy property is evil lol. Workers of the world urinite! If you flam you have false consciousness.

"Harry, you look different," said Hermione as I joined her and Ron in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express.

I suppose I did. I was wearing an ushanka with a Red Star, a Che Guevara T-shirt, and browline glasses. I had grown a scruffy beard and had had my scar changed from a lightning bolt to a hammer and sickle.

"Why are you wearing a shirt with that murderer on it?" asked Hermione as I sat down.

"He's not a murderer, he's a soldier," I explained. "I'd be offended, but I know you've been brainwashed by the bourgeoisie capitalist establishment. You're suffering from false consciousness."

"What's false consciousness?" asked Ron curiously. I knew he would be more open to communist ideas because he was part of the proletariat, whereas Hermione was part of the bourgeois intelligentsia.

"False consciousness is when people think communism is bad," I explained. "Since communism is good, it means they're obviously insane."

"Harry, are you a communist?" asked Hermione in a quiet voice. I could tell she was scared, probably of losing her private property.

"As a matter of fact, I am!" I said, knowing I had nothing to be ashamed of. "Uncle Vernon was complaining about communists one day and I decided that anyone hated by Uncle Vernon couldn't be that bad. So I read _The Communist Manifesto_ and discovered how the world really worked."

"But — but," said Hermione, at a loss for words, "President Reagan said the Soviet Union was the evil empire. He wouldn't have said that if it weren't true!"

I signed, wondering if Hermione was too deep in false consciousness to ever come around to the correct way of thinking.


	2. Freedom of Speech

AN: Here's chapter II. Any1 who flames haz false consciousness.

Everyone stared at me as I entered the Entrance Hall, which was the entrance to Hogwarts. I guessed most people in the wizarding world didn't know about communism, because they just seemed to think I looked weird. That was good. I'd be able to talk to them about communism without having to break through the revulsion conditioned into so many people by western media.

Suddenly, Professor McGonagall approached me. Now that I knew about communism, I could see that her face had the smug, satisfied look of bourgeois elitism.

"You are not permitted to wear that shirt," she said oppressively. "Che Guevara was an evil murderer or something."

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!" I yelled outrageously. "I FUCKING HAVE FUCKING FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH!"

"Mr. Potter, that kind of language is not allowed in school," McGonagall said capitalistly. "Neither is the image of Che Guevara, the hammer and sickle, or other symbols of hate."

"THE FUCKING HAMMER AND THE FUCKING SICKLE ARE NOT FUCKING SYMBOLS OF FUCKING HATE!" I explained. "THEY FUCKING ARE FUCKING SYMBOLS OF FUCKING _PEACE_! FUCKING ANTI-COMMUNISM FUCKING LED TO FUCKING IMPERIALIST AND FUCKING _RACIST_ WARS IN FUCKING KOREA AND FUCKING VIETNAM! YOU'RE A FUCKING _RACIST_!"

Then I put up my middle finger at her and ran into the Great Hall before she could stop me. I couldn't believe racist Professor McGonagall had tried to repress me! It was like Kent State all over again!


	3. Dumbledore's Announcement

An: Hadrian Malfoy, Harry did NOT overreact. McGonkical was tring to take away harry's FUCKING BASIC RIGHT of feedom of speek! I think you might be suffering from false consciousness.

I instantly saw the Great Hall had changed a great deal over the summer. The walls were now covered with gigantic, flashy advertisements. Everywhere, the glossy and fake images showed the smiling faces of people thrilled to own consumer products made by starving children in Japan! Thoroughly disgusted by these symbols of bourgeois excess, I tried to avoid looking at them as I walked to my seat. As Dumbledore began to walk up to the podium, I saw that he was dressed exactly like the little "Monopoly" man, complete with a top hat!

"Hello, my students," he said, stretching out his arms. "As you've probably noticed, Hogwarts looks a bit different this year. That's because the Ministry of Magic has been spending so much on wars against Voldemort that there's no money left over for Hogwarts. Therefore, I decided it'd be a good idea to privatize the educational system. I don't see any problem with this because I'm a libertarian."

I gasped. I had never known Dumbledore was a libertarian! Libertarians had the _gall_ to say they loved freedom while being nothing but corporate shills working tirelessly to make us all slaves to the big capitalists! All the respect I'd ever had for Dumbledore disappeared in an instant.

"This year," said Dumbledore, his face shining with corporate greed, "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is brought to you by... the Bertie Bott's Candy Corporation. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans: they're a risk with every mouthful! And by the Nimbus Racing Broom Company. Why walk, when you can fly with the Nimbus Racing Broom Company? Additional funding is provided by Gladrags Wizardwear Group, Whizz Hard Books, and Coca-Cola."

My mouth was hanging open. I couldn't believe the extent to which Dumbledore had sold us all out to the capitalists for a buck! If I were in his place, I'd have closed Hogwarts before turning it over to evil corporate sponsors!

"And now," Dumbledore continued, "allow me to introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Halliburton Pepsi!" A man in an expensive suit with a briefcase stepped forward. He was obviously a member of the arch-capitalist bourgeois elite.

"Thank you for that introduction, Albus," Professor Pepsi said corporately. "By the way, I want your office."

"Oh, no problem, Hal!" said Dumbledore, laughing. Professor Pepsi grinned and I felt sick as I realized that that corporate _fuck_ would be the _real_ boss at Hogwarts from now on!


	4. False Consciousness

author note: If ya flam ur a useful tool of da BIG CAPITOLIST PIGS ON WAIL STRET

The feast began and we started to eat the food and shit. I thought of how the house-elves were completely happy with their lot in life and realized that they too had been inflicted with false consciousness. Hermione had railed against house-elf slavery, but it had accomplished nothing because she hadn't realized that it was just one small part of the larger capitalist system of bourgeois capitalist exploitation.

"It's a good thing Hogwarts isn't funded by the government anymore," said Hermione with an air of bourgeois intellectual elitism. "Now the educational system won't be like the post office."

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" I yelled righteously. "Dumbledore has turned us all over to the fucking capitalists! We're they're fucking corporate slaves now!"

"Swearing like that is really unnecessary and comes across as immature," said Hermione oppressively.

"How FUCKING dare you!" I yelled. "You say I can't speak my fucking mind after YOU defend the fucking actions of the fucking WAR CRIMINAL Dumbledore! I suppose you believe the fucking propaganda we're feed about how we're fighting a 'humanitarian' war!"

"Well, aren't we?" asked Hermione. "Voldemort is bad. I know it's true because that's what the media says."

"There is no such thing as a humanitarian war!" I said as I laughed in her face. "The Ministry doesn't give a FUCK about human rights! War is a product of the military-industrial complex!"

"I don't think that's true," said Hermione from her ivory bourgeois tower of capitalism. "It's the Ministry's duty to kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong."

At this point, I was so mad at Hermione's bourgeois, close-minded false consciousness that I couldn't say anything. If only she could hear herself and realize what a slave she was to the capitalist imperialists! But it seemed she couldn't. It was so frustrating!


	5. Arise, Comrades!

AN: How DARE you call mea fucking LIBERAL! Liberals r FUCKING SELLOUTS 2d CORPERATE MASTER CLASS! Ima COMMUNIST! Im not any part of your little system, i'm AGAINST IT! Comrade Che was NOT a rasist! THAT WAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT! Oh, and if you had my parents YOU'D BE REBELLING AGAINST THEM TOO!

My anger would fade later. As we started to get up from the feast in order to head upstairs to our upstairs dormitories, Luna Lovegood came over to me. She was quite a hottie, butt I was too sophisticated to pay much attention to her shapely body and huge breasts.

"I overheard your conversation with Hermione," said Luna in a beautifully feminine voice. "I think what you had to say made a lot of sense."

But it got even better later that night. As we arrived in our dormitory room, Ron turned to look at me, his face alight with hope and curiosity.

"I agree with every word you said to Hermione at dinner," he said rebelliously. "I always wondered why this war on Voldemort seemed like nothing but an excuse to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. Now I see that's exactly what it is. You must tell me more about this communism you speak of."

I smiled wisely and slapped Ron on the back. "You're beginning your journey, Comrade," I told him.

"Comrade?" asked Ron. "Why are you call me that?"

"That's what communists call each other," I explained. "Under capitalism, the richest one percent are fucking bastards who exploit ninety-nine percent of the people. Communism thinks that's wrong. Why should your family starve while the richest pure-blood fucks are literally swimming in their fucking gold? There's enough resources for everyone and we should all get an equal share of the pie. That's why we communists call each other 'comrade' — to show that we are all equal."

"What's communism's position on racism?" asked Dean Thomas.

"It's against it," I explained. "Racism is caused by capitalism. Ever since the war on Voldemort started, the Ministry's been sending young black men off to die for a society which hates them. Could it be any more obvious that the real enemy is not Voldemort, but the fucking bourgeoisie capitalist one percent?"

"I don't know," said Neville uncertainly. "If that were true, I think we'd have heard something about it before." I laughed in his face at his fucking incredible naivate.

"That's because the fucking capitalists don't want you to hear it!" I told him, laughing loudly. "If you embrace communism, that's a threat to their fucking bourgeoisie power! They want us all to go off and kill Death Eaters to keep us distracted from the inequalities of our fucking corporate sellout society."

Silence followed these words. I could tell I had turned their brainwashed view of the world upside down. Had I made them see the light? Eventually, Seamus Finnigan stood up.

"I am a communist," he said. There was tense silence and then Neville stood up.

"Me too!" he said proudly. I beamed at Neville. Finally, he'd achieve the success he never had been able to under the bourgeoisie corporate system of capitalism.

"Me three!" declared Ron, as I knew he would. He was part of the proletariat and I had awakened him from his false consciousness.

"Me four!" finished Dean. His embrace of communism was the least surprising, as he truly had nothing to lose but his chains. Not only was he part of the proletariat, but he was racially oppressed because of his skin color! Like all wars, the bourgeoisie imperialist war on Voldemort had been built on fear of the "the other" and black people like Dean had suffered for it.

I smiled at my four new comrades. I knew there would be more of us soon. Together, we would bring down Dumbledore's bourgeoisie capitalist machine and achieve freedom for the fucking proletariat through violent means if necessary!


	6. Harry Takes a Stand for the People

authors Not: i'm not "intelligant" enough to be a liberal? I see intellagants is measued by ur willingness to suck on the bourgeois corporate cock of FUCKING WALL STEAT! I hope you enjoy your FUCKING FALSE CONSCIUOUSNESS when they send u off to Syria to DIE FOUR FUCKING OIL!

The next day, we went to Defense Against the Dark Arts, which was taught by FUCKING PROFESSOR PEPSI! He walked into the room wearing A SUIT SO EXPENSIVE IT COULD FEED TEN GAZILLION FAMILIES IN AFRICA and bourgeoisly set his evil, corporate briefcase down on his FUCKING desk!

"Today, we'll learn about how war is sometimes necessary," he lied capitalistly. "That's why I'll be teaching you how to slaughter all the evil barbarians who want to destroy freedom and democracy."

"YOU FUCKING LIAR!" I yelled at him. "War is _never_ necessary, with only _one_ exception! That's revolution! As Vladimir Lenin once said, revolution is the only lawful, rightful, just, and truly great war!"

"Oh, you silly boy," said Professor Pepsi, shaking his head. "Vladimir Lenin was a communist. I'm sure it will shock you that you've been hoodwinked by the evil communist subversives."

"On the contrary, I _am_ a communist!" I yelled. I stood up and threw open my coat to reveal my Che Guevara T-shirt! Then I threw my head back to make my bangs move over in order to reveal the hummer and sickle on my forehead!

I then laughed at FUCKING PROFESSOR PEPSI as he almost fell backwards! He was SO shocked that someone would actually _admit_ to being a communist! Deep down, evil corporate bastards like Him were afraid of the people rising up against their bourgeois, corporate tyranny and that's why they used WESTERN MEDIA to make everyone think communists were evil. But I'd seen through their lies and I wasn't afraid to stand up for the FUCKING PROLETARIAT!


	7. The Young Ideas of the Revolution

An: CAPITALISTM DOESN:T WORK YOU FUCKIGN IDIOT! A FEW PEEPLE DOIN' GOOD THINGS FOR THE PROLITARITE DOESN:T CHANG THAT! As long as Capitolism EXPLOITS the POOR, hepping a few o them wont change anyfang!

"I hate to break it to you, little boy," said Professor Pepsi, finally overcoming his HILARIOUS shock, "but communism is just a silly idea which sounds good, but doesn't really work. Without monetary incentives, people won't work hard."

"THAT'S NOT FUCKING TRUE!" I yelled progressively. "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME WITH YOUR FUCKING FAR RIGHT PROPAGANDA!"

"You are very young," spoke Professor Pepsi in an evil voice, "and don't understand how the world works yet. Once you've grow up, you'll abandon all these silly ideas about making things better for the stupid working class. In the meantime, you should realize that the Death Eaters don't believe in your silly communist ideas at all. They're terrorists who hate our freedom for no reason."

"You say I'm too fucking young?" I asked gloriously. "Maybe it's that my ideas are too young for you! Maybe it's time for the young to stand up to the old! Maybe we want to rise up and create a new world without the warmongering of the old generation! Maybe instead of fighting a fucking pointless war, we should be asking ourselves what we did to make the Death Eaters hate us so much! WHO'S FUCKING WITH ME?!"

"WE ARE!" yelled Ron, Seamus, Neville, and Dean as they stood up to join me.

Professor Pepsi's mouth was gasping for words. I could tell I had totally blown his old, outdated mind and its ancient bourgeois world view with the new ideas of the working man's revolution of the youth for the proletariat!

A few more students stood up. Some of them looked nervous, probably not yet understanding the ideas of the revolution, but nevertheless wanting change and seeing me as a faint hope for a new world without FUCKING IMPERIALISM AND WAR! The unsure courage on Parvati and Lavender's faces was very sexually enticing, not that I had any time to be concerned with such trivialities. As I looked around at all the standing students, I was so moved by their youthful courage that a single tear rolled down my cheek. Then I turned to the front of the class, locked eyes with The Enemy and bellowed, "workers of the world, unite!"


	8. The Bourgeoisie Strikes Back

Author's note: Ive decided to moderate anonymous reviews becuv theyv became a haven 4spreading false consciousness and imperialistic rhetoric of th EXTREME RIGHT.

That evening, we all went to the Great Hall to eat dinner, but before our dinner appeared so we could start eating dinner, Dumbledore started talking.

"My students," he said in a smug bourgeois voice, "Professor Pepsi has told me what happened in his class today. It has become obvious that communism is a serious threat to the war effort and we can't have that."

I laughed out loud at THAT FUCKING WAR CRIMINAL DUMBLEDORE. I could tell he was really scared now that THE PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION would undermine his absolute imperialist iron fist power. I took great pride at seeing the FUCKING FEAR in his bourgeois eyes!

"As a libertarian, I believe in freedom of speech," Dumbledore lied oppressively. "To keep the wrong opinions at bay while preserving our basic rights as much as possible, I have decided to create free speech zones. From now on, students will be able to express their communist views in their dormitories, common rooms, the school corridors, the Great Hall, and the grounds, but may not voice them in the classrooms."

"HOW DARE YOU OPPRESS US, YOU FASCIST PIECE OF SHIT!" I yelled epically. Like a coward, Dumbledore ignored my legitimate argument and sat down.

"I agree with the Headmaster's approach," said Hermione in a naggy intelligentsia voice. "It's only a small bit of censorship and it's necessary to stop people from hearing too much of dangerous ideas which sound good."

"NO, IT'S FUCKING NOT!" I yelled as I stood up. "There is NO level is censorship which is EVER justified! We demand ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH!"

"Now that's quite enough, Mr. Potter," said racist Professor McGonagall. "You're lucky the Headmaster is allowing you to spread your ugly communist lies at all."

"That's how it always fucking starts," I said angrily as I marched up to the front of the Great Hall. "They take away a piece of our freedom and say we should be _fucking thankful_ that it wasn't more! And then after we get used to that, they take away more of our freedom later! Next thing you know, they'll have us pledging allegiance to a giant fucking portrait of AYN FUCKING RAND every morning!"

As I reached the staff table, I relished the looks of FUCKING SHOCK on the teachers' faces as they realized a mere student was DARING to threaten their absolute power! I turned around to face my people, the students shocked to see one of their own standing up for THEIR FUCKING BASIC RIGHTS! Dozens of super hot girls were staring admiringly at me, but I was too busy thinking about class warfare to really notice.

"WILL WE STAND FOR THIS?!" I shouted at my fellow student comrades of the FUCKING PROLETARIAT!


End file.
